The Soul Mate Myth: A 3-Step Plan for Finding Real Love

Guest Author: Jean Cirillo, Ph.D

F_JeanCirillo_165My program involves three basic steps:

1) Examining your present situation to see where your fantasy expectations have gotten you,

2) Grieving for the mythic man that never existed, much as you would grieve the loss of a real relationship, and

3) Re-programming your brain and emotions to pursue healthy realistic relationships.

The idea that you can find your perfect match is a lie; because, even if there was such a thing as your “twin flame” where is the evidence that you could meet him in this lifetime? Why should he live in the same country, speak the same language, or ever be in a position to meet you?  And even if the two of you did meet and hit it off, where is the evidence that you would continue to grow together, in the same direction, at the same rate?  Clearly, there is none.

Fairy tales would never be so popular if they only addressed the fantasies of little kids. Remember they are written for children by adults, created from universal fantasies of a perfect life, ideal love, and happily ever after.

The book takes one gently through the stages from ridding oneself of The Soul Mate Mythunrealistic expectations toward replacing them with realistic ones. For example, a common unrealistic expectation is that one’s partner should enjoy many or all of the same activities. His need for sports and her need for shopping can easily be satisfied by other friends or family members. As far as more difficult expectations which usually center around characteristics such as financial status, physical traits, or ethnic background, we explore the gains and losses associated with holding onto these demands. Often we find that they represent personal needs that have little to do with our partner and can be satisfied in other ways.

The top three things to look for when considering if a man is worth loving for a lifetime are the following:

1) Similar values and long-term goals. Do you and your partner share similar attitudes about family, children, religion, friends, fidelity, work, money, and so on?  These basic attitudes need to be discussed, and any differences resolved before any long-term commitment.

2) How well do the two of you deal with difficult times?  Have you been together when one of you were going through crisis such as a job loss or illness.  It is important to determine if he will be helpful in a bad situation, or simply add more stress.

3) Does your relationship have the capacity for forgiveness? Can you still love and respect one another even when you are angry?

Through years of clinical practice and life experience, I’ve found that if a man comes out positive on the above three questions, he is someone who loves you for who you really are and not because you fulfill some momentary need or fantasy. It means you have chosen wisely, from a clear mind not a blurred fantasy.

I am often asked why it is so hard to find real love. People seem so mystified by the issue when it pertains to love. Few of us ask why it’s so hard to find real money, or a real house, or a fulfilling career for that matter.  The obvious answer is that it takes time, effort and commitment to find anything highly desirable. Only the fantasy soul mate myth has caused people to believe that real love “just happens”.

Additional tips for visitors:

 1) Just as real love requires work to get, it requires work to keep.  Just as you work to advance your career, or maintain your house, you must work to keep the love alive. 

2) Other than yourself, your partner should be the most important person in your life. If you really feel this, doing things for him should be pleasurable. An investment in your partner is an investment in yourself.

3) The romantic phase of your relationship (obsessive thoughts, constant sexual desire) will naturally die down in about 18 months. We would all be exhausted if that didn’t happen. That does not mean you have fallen out of love. It is the deeper form of attachment that indicates that this man has gone from being Mr. Right Now to Mr. Right. And this Mr. Right exists in reality once you overcome The Soul Mate Myth.

Browse the  Book, ” The Soul Mate Myth” at

The Soul Mate Myth (USA) (UK) (JAPAN)

About Author:

Dr. Jean Cirillo is a practicing psychologist in New York. She has been seen on hundreds of national talk shows, both as expert guest and staff psychologist. Her areas of expertise include relationships, women’s issues, addictive behaviors, and violence prevention. To find more about Jean, visit her website

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